Frontrunners and Flops

The GOP seems to be having a struggle of titanic proportions on a very important question: just who, exactly, should be the candidate for the Republican Party. After tossing Bachmann, whose inane chatter about fringe issues that don't matter, they passed to Perry, who's little more than a slimy lizard, as everyone in Texas could already tell. From there, they went to that wonderful fiscal conservative Romney, who was proven to be just a bit more socialist than we all originally thought. Then came Herman Cain: bombastic, a classic everyman, so long as every man is defined as pizza CEO and Federal Reserve chairman. He's your perfect candidate--strong, God-fearing, Amurika-lovin', and, by the way, he's incredibly arrogant--just like you!

My family was up at the library yesterday, and since I have a bad habit of wandering around and looking at books that I don't have time to read at the moment (I'm halfway through a 650-page treatise on medieval history), I happened upon this gem:

The title boldly proclaims: "This is HERMAN CAIN!" The subtitle quite humbly says: "My Journey to the White House."

It's your classic autobiography that will take its place beside Dreams of My Fathers and First Step 2 Forever, where people we don't really care about and who haven't really done anything write books and pretend they're something, confident of future success. In this case, Mr. Cain is quite, quite sure he's going to become the next President of the United States. In fact, he's so sure that he says multiple times that everyone will know just how much people love him when he takes the throne in January 2013.

Of course, all of that has fallen apart quite spectacularly, which I find quite ironic given the hopeful, arrogant voice of his book. After sex scandals started popping up like Biden's gaffes, and Mr. Cain demonstrated that he really can't say anything of substance, even when he's trying to avoid saying anything of substance, I'm quite sure that Mr. Cain is going to take his place beside the other disgraced GOP racers.

Which, of course, leaves us with Newt Gingrich and Santorum...and that one other guy, that weirdo who always says the same stuff...can't think of his name.... While it's only a matter of time before Gingrich implodes (we all know about his baggage and his track record), the GOP is using him as a stepping stone to bring us to their last hope, the mighty Santorum. Of course, seeing as the only person who can sink lower than he is Huntsman, I seriously doubt Santorum will ever garner enough public interest to rise to the meteoric heights his fellows did.

Which, of course, leaves us with that one last guy whose name everybody always forgets: Dr. Ron Paul.