Thursday, April 30, 2009

Current News

So, since there are so many issues I could cover today, I'm going to just go down the list, and deal with all of them. First up is... *drumroll*

The Swine Flu *scary music*

Yes, the swine flu- that scary pandemic that is sweeping the globe! Or, at of it.

The swine flu, which hundreds of people are dying from!! Or, nine people.

But, it will reach truly epidemic dimensions in mere weeks!!

Uh-huh. More scare tactics and diversionary politics on your plate, anyone? It's ridiculous. Yes, only nine people have died, eight of them in Mexico, and one in Texas. There have only been 265 confirmed cases all over the globe, 159 of them in Mexico. 3,964 are suspected to have it.

That out of, what, 6 and a half billion people in the world?

Yeah, this is a mass epidemic! Panic and mayhem! We can't treat the flu!! You must get vaccines! Let's forget the fact that the 'swine flu' behaves just like regular flu, and can be treated with two drugs: oseltamivir and zanamivir.

So what are we all worried about? Keep your hands washed, and eventually this 'epidemic' will go away, just like the others.

Terror and Torture *yet more scary music*

Yeah, cuz dontcha' know that those poor terrorists might get heebie-jeebies if we put a caterpillar in their confinement box?! And these brutal interrogation techniques are outlined in graphic, horrifying detail in a series of memos!! Help us!

Yeah. Okay. Let's forget the fact that what we constitute as 'torture'...the terrorists probably do just for the fun of it.

Here is a taste of the 'torture' techniques the CIA has been applying:

  1. Walling, in which the terrorist is slammed into a flexible wall that rebounds. A hood or towel is rolled up and placed around his neck to prevent whiplash. The wall doesn't hurt him, simply induces a loud noise that might startle him.
  2. The 'facial hold' is simple- the interrogator puts a hand on either side of the person's head, and holds their head immobile.
  3. Facial slap, or insult slap. The interrogator lightly slaps the person's face with slightly spread fingers on their cheek. What is the outcome of this? The interrogator 'invades the individual's personal space'.
  4. Confinement- usually in a small box of varying size. One allows the restrained person to stand up/sit down at will, the other allows only for sitting. The Justice Department lawyers wouldn't let the interrogators put a caterpillar in the box.
  5. Wall standing- the individual is made to stand four or five feet from the wall, with his fingers resting on the wall.
  6. Different stress positions, including sitting down flat on their bottom with their arms in the air, and on knees, leaning back at a 45 degree angle.
  7. Sleep deprivation.
  8. Waterboarding. A very popular sport amongst thrill seeking teenagers (according to my research), the person is bound securely to a bench or table. They're blindfolded. Water is put on the cloth, and they inch it down until it's over the nose/mouth. They continue to pour water on it for 20-40 seconds, inducing a feeling of drowning.
  9. Might I add that during all of these, a doctor and medical staff was always ready to intervene should something really serious happen to the 'patient'.

And those things are torture? Wow. Let me deal with these one by one.

  1. Walling sounds kind of fun, actually. Sort of like one of those weird rides at Six Flags. And much gentler, by the way.
  2. My mom does that to us all the time. Oh no! Help! She's torturing meeee!!!
  3. This is one of those hysterical laughing moments. Seriously. A slap that doesn't even induce pain is 'torture'? Give me a break.
  4. Confinement box...well, at least it isn't like the Iron Maiden. Or one of those boxes Russians used to torture Christians. That is torture.
  5. Oh no!! The caterpillar is going to get meeee!!
  6. Wall standing? Hmm...monotonous, certainly, and might make your muscles sore.Stress positions? Ha. My sensei makes us do harder things. You try to stay in a split for two minutes.
  7. Sleep deprivation? I have a nice, natural way they could do that- just give them a newborn baby. Bwahaha.
  8. Waterboarding- while certainly not pleasant- isn't exactly the worst thing you can do to somebody. Believe me.

Here is a link to the memos themselves. Have fun. :)

Chrysler Bankruptcy

Yes, that's right. Despite the money our Spender-In-Chief has pumped into Detroit, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy.

Ever the optomist, Obama is pumping more money into them.

I could scream.


Bethany said...

I love your view of politics! I am a new follower, you can see my blog at I'll be checking your blog frequently! :)
In Christ,

Megan said...

Thank you!!! Someone else who shares my realistic (albeit rather sarcastic) view on the swine flu "epidemic." Its so ridiculously blown out of proportion! Thank you, media, for that! *eye roll*

I loved your more "natural" approach in the torture technique blurb too. Give 'em a newborn baby. So true!!! LOL