Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Humor: Congressional Code

Just a little bit of humor to liven things up, written from the perspective of a congressman. Yes, I did write this. :P

Bailout- Another check we write. We like to say this one also helps 'Main Street'. Rarely does, though. Also see 'stimulus'.

Bill- The fetus of a law. We like bills, especially ones we draft ourselves!

Bipartisanship- Something we love, because it means we don't have to pretend we're different anymore!

Child Protection Acts- A wonderful way to get all your pork passed, all at once! Child protection- everyone loves these bills, regardless of whether they have children or not. It's for the children, after all.

Civil Rights- A term we just love to pass legislation on! You see, no one objects if you pass a law under the guise of it helping the poor, beleagured African-American working-class man!

Constituency- An abstract concept we don't quite understand. We left them behind a long time ago, and every now and then we get e-mails from them. Also see 'voters'.

Constitution- We're not quite sure what the use of that musty old document is. However, we do know that the voters love hearing about it, so we have to throw it in there.

Crisis- In other words- we're trying to drum this up to sound really, really bad.

Democrat- Someone who also likes stimulus.

Employment- A handy keyword we use when we try to distract people from what we're really doing.

Federal Reserve- The people that made up the Fed were truly enlightened. Oh, and all that business about the 'Creature from Jekyll Island'? Pure hogwash.

Global Warming and/or Climate Change- Since no one really knows what's going on, we're able to keep people fighting among themselves over global warming. And more check-writing!

Gun control- Another gimmick that we love to pull on the voters. Second amendment rights are a hot topic- and one that handily distracts everyone from what we're actually doing, all behind closed doors!

Immigration- Especially illegal immigration- a great way to distract attention...and oh! More checks!

Main Street- Really means 'Wall Street', but you're not supposed to know that. Also see 'stimulus'.

Presidential Race- Something we all like to participate in. After all, the more we agree with the President, the more cool things we can get passed!

Pork- Ah, pork. We could write sonnets on the subject. Pork allows us to do everything we ever wanted to do- get more salary, help our constituency and pay for it with their taxes...oh, there's nothing to compare to the power of pork. Also, its a nice dish with some green beans and cranberry sauce.

Promptly- Really means 'slowly and as inefficiently as possible'...unless of course, we're trying to pass a pet bill, in which case 'promptly' really means as quickly as possible, with no time to take a breath.

Republican- Someone who likes stimulus.

Rights- We enjoy giving people rights. By telling people what they can and cannot do, we have supreme power, resting right where it should be.

Sanctity of Marriage, Marriage Equality- Another of those wonderful gimmicks to distract you, the average voter! And it works! Better and better!!

Stimulus- We need to stimulate the big businesses so they'll stimulate our pockets. And an excuse to write a check!

United Nations- The organization we all kowtow to. You see, the UN is our main authority now, and we require permission from them to do nearly everything, including wage war and manage our citizens. Oh, and it's a nice excuse for another check! Yay! Of course, we can always ignore the UN if they aren't convenient.

Veto- Ah yes, the dreaded veto. If the president vetoes our pet bill, we will hate him forever. Hence why he rarely vetoes our pet bills.

Vote- Something we enjoy doing so we can pass our bills that don't really benefit Main Street.

Voters- Abstract people we can't buy off, hence of no value to us. Also see 'constituency'.

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