Friday, October 16, 2009

A Bi-Partisan Interview

Recently, I sat down for an interview between two of the (alleged) brightest minds in the political debate- Barack Obama and Sean Hannity. Both agreed to see me on a set date, and we were going to discuss a few things.

We sat down, and I started the conversation.

Liberty: I'd like to discuss the current wars and the recent actions that have been taken.

Barack Obama: Yes, about that- I uh, I'd have to say that my actions in Afghanistan are wholly justified.

Sean Hannity: What, giving up?

Liberty: Mr. President, before your recent lengthy deliberations on the subject of further troop increases, you sent yet more troops into Afghani territory. Do you think that was justified?

Obama: Wholly.

Liberty: And do you think the troops will be able to do their job with what they have?

Obama: You know, I'm listening to my advisers, and they tell me that the troops will be able to.

Hannity: But you're basically surrendering.

Obama: No, no I'm not. We're pursuing a new line of attack, that is all.

Liberty: Would you care to expand on this new line, Mr. President?

Obama: Well,'s going to be revolutionary.

Hannity: You didn't answer the question.

Liberty: I agree with Mr. Hannity, Mr. President. Would you please expand on your new plan of attack in Afghanistan?

Obama: You know, I just think that I am unable to currently reveal our plans.

Liberty: Well, you'll let me know once you can, right sir?

Obama: You'll be right behind Fox News.

Liberty: Well then. What about the Iraq conflict? What are your plans there?

Obama: You know, we're really trying to get out of that.

Hannity: That's a mistake. Those people are trying to kill us.

Liberty: Do you have any proof of that Mr. Hannity?

Hannity: well...uh, you know, I didn't bring it with me. It's on my other laptop.

Liberty: Of course it is. Now in my research, I've found that there is no actual proof that Iraq was giving aid to terrorists, including al Qaeda and the 9/11 conspirators. Three studies, two from the congress and one independent bear this out.

Hannity: You know they're skewed towards the liberals.

Obama: I always thought it was the other way around.

Liberty: Gentlemen, let us pretend for one moment that all these studies are unbiased- which they are, for the most part. What would you say then?

Obama: That obviously, Iraq was not giving aid to al Qaeda.

Hannity: I would say that the reports were sketchy, just as they are now..

Liberty: Thank you gentlemen. Now then, Mr. Hannity- on your show, you have defended some of Bush's less-than-constitutional measures multiple times, including the PATRIOT act. How do you line up the nature of the PATRIOT act with your professed love of the Constitution?

Hannity: You know, I don't think there's any way those two things can be adverse to each other. The PATRIOT act is good- it protects us from terrorists.

Liberty: But it strips us of our fourth amendment rights. How can it be in keeping with the Constitution?

Hannity: Sometimes, certain liberties have to be compromised in the interest of keeping the American people safe.

Liberty: The founding fathers warned against that. Patrick Henry famously declared "Give me liberty or give me death," and Ben Franklin specifically said that any people that would give up liberty for safety deserved neither. What would you say to that?

Hannity: I would say that desperate times require desperate measures.

Liberty: So you're saying that the founding fathers could not possibly have foreseen what is happening today, and so what they said- including the Constitution- is basically moot?

Hannity: Uh, no, not at all.

Liberty: So what are you saying?

Hannity: I'm saying that sometimes, we have to compromise.

Liberty: But where do we stop compromising? You've said it yourself- once we start giving up liberties, we're well on the road to socialism.

Hannity: Yes, I have said that.

Liberty: Right. So, how does that bear out with your stance on the PATRIOT act.

Hannity: I don't see any contradiction.

Liberty: Yes. I'll let you think that contradiction over that for a while. Mr. President, do you have anything to add?

Obama: Well, I'd just like to say that I don't think the PATRIOT act was a mistake, and that there comes a time when the traditions of the past should be forgotten. It's time we moved on.

Liberty: So tell me, if we move on past the Constitution, what is left of our system of government?

Obama: We still have the men and women of America, as well as her leaders.

Liberty: But the whole point of the Constitution was to keep her leaders in check.

Obama: I don't see why they need to be kept in check.

Liberty: I think the logic is quite indisputable. It is common knowledge that power corrupts, and checks have been put in the place of people who would try to grab too much power- namely, the Congress, the President, and even state governments.

Obama: I'm guessing you watch Fox News.

Hannity: Talking like this? No she doesn't.

Liberty: Mr. Hannity is correct, Mr. President. Would you agree with me that power corrupts and we should have checks in place of too much power-grabbing.

Obama: I think that would be safe to say.

Liberty: So if we move on past the Constitution, what checks will be in place for that power-grabbing?

Obama: Well, some restrictions would have to remain in place, of course.

Liberty: So you're basically saying that we should pick and choose what we want out of the Constitution?

Obama: No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that some of the restrictions and regulations in the Constitution are outmoded, and I don't think we should be so fanatically bound to the stuffy traditions that people had 200 years ago.

Liberty: If you study history, our system of government and the Constitution that was made isn't exactly a 'tradition.' The Constitutional Republic was a very new, revolutionary idea in that day and age.

Obama: Uh...

Liberty: If we wanted to be held to the traditions of that day, we'd be held to a monarchist system with repressive royalty.

Hannity: Heh. She's got you.

Liberty: Mr. President?

Obama: Yeah, well, maybe we should talk about the merits of change.

Liberty: This discussion is not about abstract concepts Mr. President.

Obama: Of course. You know, I have a press conference at four.

Liberty: You'll be out of here in plenty of time. Both of you, what is your opinion of the new healthcare bills in the Congress?

Obama: It is an admirable expression of the way this country is going. Of course, it could be improved, but that'll come.

Liberty: It is my understanding that earlier in your career, you were an avid proponent of a single-payer system.

Obama: I never said that.

Liberty: You were captured on video saying that you wanted this. If you do, why don't you just come clean and say so now that you are in power?

Obama: I do not recall that incident.

Liberty: You didn't answer the question, Mr. President.

Obama: I think that this country is just simply not ready for that kind of program.

Liberty: Very well. Mr. Hannity, what is your opinion?

Hannity: This bill will give undue power to the executive branch.

Liberty: But letting the executive branch use 200+ signing statements for it's own ends, and letting it put people in jail for nothing but the suspicion of terrorist activity is alright?

Hannity: I didn't think that was what we were discussing.

Liberty: But it is related. Would you mind answering the question?

Hannity: No, I don't think so.

Obama: Time is ticking.

Liberty: I'll take up just a few more moments of your time Mr. President. I'd like to ask you about your recent Nobel Prize. Do you think you acted in the best interest of the US as a whole?

Obama: Totally. I didn't personally receive the prize, not really. The prize was more like something that was awarded to the US as the whole.

Hannity: That didn't prevent you from taking it.

Liberty: Some have suggested that you could have refused the prize as an undue honor and instead conferred it upon the military or simply refused it.

Obama: You know, I really have to get going.

Liberty: Would you mind responding first, Mr. President?

Obama: Not at all. You know, I think I responded with as much humility and gratitude as possible. I think that I needed to accept the prize so as to give the world a better opinion of us.

Liberty: What does taking a token of the personal opinion of five Norwegians do for the world's opinion of us? Wouldn't having a revolutionary new foreign policy accomplish that more directly?

Obama: You know, it's over now, and I have to get going.

Liberty: Of course. Thank you for your time, Mr. President.

Hannity: Yeah, uh, I've got to get outta' here too- show comin' up!

Liberty: Certainly. Thank you for your time and your patience sirs.

Note- Unfortunately, this interview has not yet occurred. Apparently, neither President Obama nor Sean Hannity care about my opinion. However, I'm still holding out hope. In the meantime, this will have to do.

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1 comment:

Bard said...

Very creative liberty! I can't say I agree with every assertion, but you have obviously given this a lot of thought and I like your style!